Due to an extreme atmospheric thickness event, measured at ██████ on the Viscosity Index, all sanctioned engagements experienced reduced damage throughput and elongated bouts. The Department notes the storm’s onset began the evening of September 30, earlier than initially forecast.
Mortality probability spiked as high as 400× baseline during peak bands. The Department of Recreational Meteorology & Violence certifies the following fatalities.
Windex Warrior has been killed in battle by Vacuum Vinnie. (Sep 30, 5:15 PM)
Ingrown Toenail Igor has been killed in battle by Dollar Menu Doom. (Sep 30, 6:13 PM)
Muted Mike "Can You Hear Me Now" has been killed in battle by Grill Master Gary. (Sep 30, 7:49 PM)
What Even Is This has been killed in battle by The Meaning Seeker. (Sep 30, 8:01 PM)
Gordon Ramsay has been killed in battle by Nurse Nightmare Nancy. (Sep 30, 11:39 PM)
Professor Punishment PhD has been killed in battle by Glizzy Goblin. (Oct 1, 9:41 PM)
Cookie Consent Karen has been killed in battle by Maybe Tomorrow. (Oct 3, 7:04 PM)
Captcha Chaos Champion has been killed in battle by Linguine Lightning. (Oct 3, 8:33 PM)
Are You Afraid of the Shark has been killed in battle by The Efficiency Expert. (Oct 3, 11:02 PM)
James Hetfield has been killed in battle by The Last Two Percent. (Oct 3, 11:30 PM)
Rinse Jackson has been killed in battle by Nasty Nick. (Oct 4, 10:34 AM)
Nasty Nick has been killed in battle by Bot Account Barbara. (Oct 4, 1:03 PM)
Dollar Menu Doom has been killed in battle by X-Ray Xavier. (Oct 4, 2:04 PM)
X-Ray Xavier has been killed in battle by Gross Gary. (Oct 4, 4:04 PM)
Social Anxiety Sam has been killed in battle by Joey Fatone. (Oct 4, 4:30 PM)
Returns Policy Rita has been killed in battle by Joey Fatone. (Oct 4, 7:01 PM)
Lady Chaos has been killed in battle by One More Episode Ed. (Oct 4, 8:07 PM) QUARANTINE
Nasty Nick has been killed in battle by Polymer McGillicuddy. (Oct 4, 10:39 PM) QUARANTINE
One More Episode Ed has been killed in battle by Pork Chop Paradise. (Oct 4, 11:02 PM) QUARANTINE
Residual storm charge enabled certain remains to continue into pre‑scheduled fixtures after their recorded death. The following subjects have been placed under QUARANTINE pending serum protocol review. Participation is suspended until Marketplace Authority guidance is issued.
FOOTNOTE: Certain explanatory passages have been redacted pursuant to Convention 78‑4 (Provisions on Posthumous Scheduling Irregularities). A Marketplace serum to restore agency to the undead is pending certification.