A draft was convened under Protocol 7‑Alpha. Teamless fighters were paraded before the sacred ledger while teams, in turn, exercised their ancestral right of selection. Bells were rung, clerks fainted, names were etched into state parchment. The Program Director bore witness; the Commissioner frowned approvingly from an unknowable distance. The following selections are hereby entered into the public register:
Chuck Norris selected by Napster.
Gordon Ramsay selected by Napster.
The Rock Johnson selected by Napster.
Porkbun Pete selected by Napster.
Pangolin Ruiz selected by Napster.
The Intern selected by Napster.
Paul McCartney selected by Napster.
Uncle Kick Salad selected by Napster.
Steve Irwin selected by The Final Boss Energy.
Kirk Hammett selected by The Final Boss Energy.
Slobby Joe Jr. selected by The Final Boss Energy.
The Implied selected by The Final Boss Energy.
Cell Longarms selected by The Final Boss Energy.
Comfort Septemberish selected by The Final Boss Energy.
VIOLENCE PENDING selected by The Final Boss Energy.
Stone Cold Steve Austin selected by The DMV Destroyers.
Empyrean Angel selected by The DMV Destroyers.
Gas Berger selected by The DMV Destroyers.
Nancy From HR selected by The DMV Destroyers.
Count Dankula selected by The DMV Destroyers.
Autocorrect selected by The DMV Destroyers.
The Rope Jeff Didn't Hang Himself With selected by The DMV Destroyers.
Jean-Claude Van Damme selected by The Glitch in the Matrix.
The Buffer selected by The Glitch in the Matrix.
Thighmaster Flex selected by The Glitch in the Matrix.
Arnold Schwarzenegger selected by The Glitch in the Matrix.
Yurts Buttercup selected by The Glitch in the Matrix.
Bob Ross selected by The Glitch in the Matrix.
Live Leaked selected by The Glitch in the Matrix.
Swisher Sweet selected by Midnight Society.
Baiten Switch selected by Midnight Society.
Babyface Guillotine selected by Midnight Society.
Glizzy Goblin selected by Midnight Society.
Sol Slug selected by Midnight Society.
Toaster Bath selected by Midnight Society.
First Sunday selected by Needle Exchange.
Serif selected by Needle Exchange.
Cabbage Jenkins selected by Needle Exchange.
Nesticle selected by Needle Exchange.
Captain Yawnpunch selected by Needle Exchange.
Nick Carter selected by Needle Exchange.
Moist Carl selected by The Conspiracy Theorists.
George Harrison selected by The Conspiracy Theorists.
Marilyn Manson selected by The Conspiracy Theorists.
Captain Hindsight selected by The Conspiracy Theorists.
Jelly Burgertoes selected by The Conspiracy Theorists.
SwizzleSchtick selected by The Conspiracy Theorists.
Grollis Zephyr selected by The Forgotten Passwords.
Mx. Noodle selected by The Forgotten Passwords.
The Misnomer selected by The Forgotten Passwords.
Thilly Gooth selected by The Forgotten Passwords.
Reverb selected by The Forgotten Passwords.
The Footnote selected by The Forgotten Passwords.
Background Radiation selected by The Zoom Call Zombies.
The Pending Update selected by The Zoom Call Zombies.
Mike Tyson selected by The Zoom Call Zombies.
Square Root selected by The Zoom Call Zombies.
Sixpack Santiago selected by The Zoom Call Zombies.
Don Vito selected by The Zoom Call Zombies.
Engine Eberhardt selected by Bodily Horrors United.
Fist Sundaze selected by Bodily Horrors United.
Deja Vu selected by Bodily Horrors United.
Borrowed Time selected by Bodily Horrors United.
Granite Sinclair selected by Bodily Horrors United.
Trash Expander selected by Bodily Horrors United.
Beans McBlase selected by The Meat Sweats.
Phantom Vibration selected by The Meat Sweats.
Banana Hammurabi selected by The Meat Sweats.
JC Chasez selected by The Meat Sweats.
Ringo Starr selected by The Meat Sweats.
James Hetfield selected by The Gas Station Gladiators.
Tahini Poinsettia selected by The Gas Station Gladiators.
Yogurt the Destroyer selected by The Gas Station Gladiators.
Darryl Blueberry selected by The Gas Station Gladiators.
The Unlicensed Magician selected by The Gas Station Gladiators.
Donut Handler selected by Emotional Support Animals.
Tucan Shakur selected by Emotional Support Animals.
Nicolas Cage selected by Emotional Support Animals.
AJ McLean selected by Emotional Support Animals.
Chorby Short selected by Emotional Support Animals.
Mookie Sanders selected by The MLM Martyrs.
The Margin Note selected by The MLM Martyrs.
The Honorable Judge Fistmas selected by The MLM Martyrs.
Millipede Aqualuft selected by The MLM Martyrs.
Lawnmower Jesus selected by The MLM Martyrs.
Skunkhand Jenkins selected by Blood & Breakfast.
The Finger Counter selected by Blood & Breakfast.
Chairman Meow selected by Blood & Breakfast.
Xandra Pancakes selected by Blood & Breakfast.
Lance Bass selected by Blood & Breakfast.
Keanu Reeves selected by Medical Billing Mafia.
Chairman of the Floor selected by Medical Billing Mafia.
Betty White selected by Medical Billing Mafia.
Justin Timberlake selected by Medical Billing Mafia.
Danny DeVito selected by Medical Billing Mafia.
Nick Fuentes selected by The Dupont Mutants.
Moth With a Knife selected by The Dupont Mutants.
Home Depot Manager selected by The Dupont Mutants.
Fists McExistential selected by The Dupont Mutants.
Average Joe selected by The Corporate Overlords.
Miss Demeanor selected by The Corporate Overlords.
--- selected by The Corporate Overlords.
Gilbert Gottfried selected by The Corporate Overlords.
John Lennon selected by The Tide Pods.
wilson selected by The Tide Pods.
Monday Morning selected by The Tide Pods.
Steven Seagal selected by The Tide Pods.
Elevator Music selected by Garbage Pail Kids.
Punchin Bag selected by Garbage Pail Kids.
Probability Jane selected by Garbage Pail Kids.
Baby Triumphant selected by Garbage Pail Kids.
John Cena selected by Entropy United.
Ctrl+Z selected by Entropy United.
TV Remote selected by Entropy United.
Howie Dorough selected by Entropy United.
Slosh Gulp selected by The Academic Assassins.
Loch Ness Monster selected by The Academic Assassins.
Cracked iPhone Screen selected by The Academic Assassins.
Shrek selected by The Academic Assassins.
Sandy Britches selected by The Social Media Influencers.
Passive Voice selected by The Social Media Influencers.
John Jimmy selected by The Social Media Influencers.
Jerkoff Sysadmin Manager selected by The Social Media Influencers.
Professor Punches selected by Suburban Nightmares.
Derek Moneyberg selected by Suburban Nightmares.
Hornswoggle selected by Suburban Nightmares.
Kennedy Loser selected by Suburban Nightmares.
Dank Dill selected by The Food Service Warriors.
Robert Trujillo selected by The Food Service Warriors.
Fish Summer selected by The Food Service Warriors.
Mr. Rogers selected by The Existential Crisis Club.
Boiling Singularity Vapors selected by The Existential Crisis Club.
Joey Fatone selected by The Existential Crisis Club.
The Ellipsis selected by The Retirement Home Raiders.
Stu Trololol selected by The Retirement Home Raiders.
ChoKING on LeeSUN selected by The Retirement Home Raiders.
YOUTUBE 1vUvJz0SikY selected by Discount Apocalypse.
Walter Scrimshaw-Owens Jr. selected by Discount Apocalypse.
Kevin Richardson selected by Discount Apocalypse.
Brian Littrell selected by Suburban Nightmares 2.0.
The Rubber Stamp selected by Suburban Nightmares 2.0.
Just Greg selected by Suburban Nightmares 2.0.
Double Cup Dwayne selected by Weird Gothic / Midnight Society Energy.
Stretch Filigree selected by Weird Gothic / Midnight Society Energy.
Verne Troyer selected by Weird Gothic / Midnight Society Energy.
The Terms of Service selected by Cleaning Crew Carnage.
Tony the Concept selected by Cleaning Crew Carnage.
BO BAX JR FACT selected by Cleaning Crew Carnage.
Elbow Pope selected by Pasta La Vista.
Scootie selected by Pasta La Vista.
Lunch Break selected by The Retail Apocalypse.
Brisket Friendo selected by The Retail Apocalypse.
The First Prime Number selected by Existential Crisis Club Expansion.
The Unsubscribe Link selected by Existential Crisis Club Expansion.
War Machine selected by The Sadness Merchants.
nft.altruist selected by The Sadness Merchants.
Splinter Testimony selected by The Healthcare Heroes.
Dr. Membrane PhD selected by The Time Wasters.
Chris Kirkpatrick selected by Grime Time All-Stars.
Static Cling selected by Food-Based Furies.
Warwick Davis selected by Internet & Tech Terror.
DISCLAIMER: This proclamation is issued under Protocol 7-Alpha. Outcomes may defy conventional logic by design. The Department assumes no responsibility for existential consequences, temporal displacement, or molecular instability arising from prolonged exposure to sanctioned chaos.