By command of the Commissioner and pursuant to Protocol 9âGamma (Finger Accounting & Moral Liability), every franchise within the Department of Recreational Violence was this day compelled to select one Captain and only one Punishment Designee (commaâseparated, sometimes identical) to bear ceremonial laurels, tactical clipboard, and the entirety of culpability for any grievous embarrassments both on the field and in the wagers. Clerks recorded each choice with trembling quills; bells tolled; a very small parade circled a very large ledger.
Failure to furnish an accurate digit ledger will result in fines, forfeits, or the ceremonial application of the Commissionerâs Disappointed Nod (ClassâA demoralization effect). The following appointments are hereby engraved upon public parchment.
Bodily Horrors United present their engine and their anthem in one: Engine Eberhardt, who hums in 4/4 and leaks in 3/5, accepting both clipboards and consequences.
The DMV Destroyers choose Stone Cold Steve Austin, who will sign every form twice and then pileâdrive the signature.
The Dupont Mutants advance Polymer McGillicuddy, whose chain length varies with the moon and whose morale safety data sheet is printed on edible paper.
Needle Exchange pins the sash to Beef Injection, a walking consent form for controlled piercings and uncontrolled celebrations.
The Sadness Merchants consign destiny to War Machine, who will invoice sorrow netâ30.
Existential Crisis Club Expansion awoke to find Sleep Paralysis Pam already sworn in, pen hovering, eyes unmoved.
The Tide Pods decant command to Rinse Jackson, captain of foam, foe of stains, auditâready.
Pasta La Vista al dente appoints Penne for Your Thoughts, who will stir the pot and the crowd with equal viscosity.
The Meat Sweats crown Pork Chop Paradise, whose pregame marinade doubles as varnish.
Corporate & Office Mayhem files Form 47âB naming Deadline Debra as Chief Schedule Enforcer and FallâGuy Emeritus.
Cleaning Crew Carnage certify BO BAX JR FACT; spills flee; mops salute.
The Forgotten Passwords remembered to appoint Grollis Zephyr after three resets and one spiritual captcha.
The Retail Apocalypse rolls out Black Friday Brenda, who will priceâmatch any calamity of equal or lesser value.
Midnight Society consults the campfire and receives Are You Afraid of the Shark, who declines flotation devices and accepts responsibility.
Napster queues The Rock Johnson on repeat; buffering is a punishable mood.
Discount Apocalypse displays the SKU of fate: YOUTUBE 1vUvJz0SikY; comments disabled, punishments enabled.
The Corporate Overlords elevate Regional Manager Dave, who wields the ceremonial laser pointer and the nonâceremonial sigh.
The Academic Assassins cite Librarian Linda âShush of Deathâ, bibliography formatted in fists, MLA and MMA compliant.
Medical Billing Mafia codes leadership as Keanu Reeves, CPT 733.90: breathtaking responsibility.
The Final Boss Energy toggles Low Battery Mode to ON; morale dims, focus sharpens.
Suburban Nightmares appoint Professor Punches, HOAâcompliant knuckles, minutes taken in chalk.
Grime Time AllâStars telephone history and reach Chris Kirkpatrick; frosted tips, frosted tips, frosted tips.
The Internet Comment Section replies âfirstâ and selects Bot Account Barbara to shepherd ratios and reprimands.
FoodâBased Furies blanch and then rally under Broccoli Backhand, cruciferously accountable.
The Existential Crisis Club contemplates, then appoints Joey Fatone; the void acknowledges receipt.
The Gas Station Gladiators pump leadership into James Hetfield; unleaded culpability, premium charisma.
Entropy United flips a coin midâtornado and it lands on Mayhem Breakfast; syrup sealed for transport.
The Healthcare Heroes preâauthorize Copay Carl; outâofânetwork punishments may apply.
The Zoom Call Zombies unmute Sixpack Santiago; minutes will reflect groans and gains.
The Food Service Warriors call the line for Robert Trujillo; tickets up, tips down, headbangs counted.
The Time Wasters skip tutorial and promote Tutorial Skip Tony; penalties accrue in loading screens.
Blood & Breakfast rings the bell for The Finger Counter; audit synergy achieved.
The Glitch in the Matrix 404s its committee and appoints 404 Not Found; error acknowledged, captain confirmed.
Internet & Tech Terror patches to v1.0.0 of Warwick Davis; changelog: accountability enabled.
The Conspiracy Theorists connect red strings to Bigfoot Believer Brenda; sightings of responsibility increase by 37%.
Emotional Support Animals purrâroclaim Nicolas Cage; enrichment scheduled hourly.
The Social Media Influencers go live with LinkedIn Larry âProfessional Networkâ; endorsements for âtaking the blameâ incoming.
The MLM Martyrs onboard Supplement Steve âBoss Babeâ; downline of consequences established.
Garbage Pail Kids stickerâstamp Snotty Scotty; residue nonâtoxic, punishments bioâdegradable.
The Participation Trophies bravely appoint Fart Sniffer Supreme; applause is mandatory by municipal code.
Weird Gothic / Midnight Society Energy drafts Stretch Filigree; candlelit accountability, velveteen minutes.
The Retirement Home Raiders clatter the tea set and elect Denture Deborah; responsibility soaked overnight.
Suburban Nightmares 2.0 post a strongly worded email and install HOA Sniper Sally as Chair of Regrettable Outcomes.
DISCLAIMER: Captains are responsible for outcomes, vibes, and finger/toe inventory. In the event of an egregious loss (defined as ℠3 simultaneous groans and †0 coherent excuses), punishments shall be delivered to the designee with pomp, circumstance, and a tasteful trumpet.