TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
12-26-25
APPROVED
Early Bird Eddie
Strength65
Speed90
Endurance70
Technique88
Molecular Density1.6
Existential Dread60
Fingers9
Toes8
TALE OF THE TAPE
Early Bird Eddie VS Clearance Rack Rachel
Clearance Rack Rachel
60Strength
95Speed
75Endurance
88Technique
1.9Molecular Density
75Existential Dread
10Fingers
10Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Early Bird Eddie
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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