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🥊 SPOODBLORT

⛈️ CRITICAL WEATHER ADVISORY
TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING

An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.

🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN

BLESSED
01-03-26
APPROVED
📅 Scheduled Violence Saturday, January 3, 2026 at 8:30 PM
⚡ Combat Status ✅ VIOLENCE COMPLETE
Participation Trophy Tom

Participation Trophy Tom

Strength46
Speed52
Endurance58
Technique62
Molecular Density1.0
Existential Dread80
Fingers12
Toes8
TALE OF THE TAPE
Participation Trophy Tom VS 99 Cent Store Samurai
99 Cent Store Samurai

99 Cent Store Samurai

85Strength
72Speed
71Endurance
72Technique
2.5Molecular Density
47Existential Dread
10Fingers
10Toes

🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR

99 Cent Store Samurai
Violence concluded.
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