TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
12-20-25
APPROVED
99 Cent Store Samurai
Strength85
Speed72
Endurance71
Technique72
Molecular Density2.5
Existential Dread47
Fingers10
Toes10
TALE OF THE TAPE
99 Cent Store Samurai VS Sausage Festival
Sausage Festival
85Strength
68Speed
90Endurance
72Technique
3.1Molecular Density
22Existential Dread
8Fingers
12Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
99 Cent Store Samurai
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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