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🥊 SPOODBLORT

⛈️ CRITICAL WEATHER ADVISORY
TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING

An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.

🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN

BLESSED
01-02-26
APPROVED
📅 Scheduled Violence Friday, January 2, 2026 at 6:30 PM
⚡ Combat Status ✅ VIOLENCE COMPLETE
Home Depot Manager

Home Depot Manager

Strength64
Speed78
Endurance99
Technique59
Molecular Density83.4
Existential Dread96
Fingers9
Toes8
TALE OF THE TAPE
Home Depot Manager VS Walter Scrimshaw-Owens Jr.
Walter Scrimshaw-Owens Jr.

Walter Scrimshaw-Owens Jr.

70Strength
85Speed
60Endurance
85Technique
20.7Molecular Density
89Existential Dread
11Fingers
12Toes

🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR

Walter Scrimshaw-Owens Jr.
Violence concluded.
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