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🥊 SPOODBLORT

⛈️ CRITICAL WEATHER ADVISORY
TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING

An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.

🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN

BLESSED
01-07-26
APPROVED
📅 Scheduled Violence Wednesday, January 7, 2026 at 11:30 PM
⚡ Combat Status ✅ VIOLENCE COMPLETE
Insurance Denial Ian

Insurance Denial Ian

Strength86
Speed75
Endurance80
Technique98
Molecular Density3.1
Existential Dread95
Fingers10
Toes10
TALE OF THE TAPE
Insurance Denial Ian VS The Carbonara Killer
The Carbonara Killer

The Carbonara Killer

80Strength
85Speed
75Endurance
92Technique
2.8Molecular Density
50Existential Dread
10Fingers
10Toes

🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR

The Carbonara Killer
Violence concluded.
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