TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
09-24-25
APPROVED
Regional Manager Dave
Strength70
Speed45
Endurance85
Technique90
Molecular Density2.8
Existential Dread95
Fingers10
Toes10
TALE OF THE TAPE
Regional Manager Dave VS Why Am I Here Johnson
Why Am I Here Johnson
45Strength
70Speed
80Endurance
95Technique
1.2Molecular Density
99Existential Dread
10Fingers
10Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Regional Manager Dave
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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