TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
12-08-25
APPROVED
Energy Drink Eddie
Strength65
Speed98
Endurance70
Technique80
Molecular Density1.8
Existential Dread75
Fingers12
Toes8
TALE OF THE TAPE
Energy Drink Eddie VS Quarterly Report Jones
Quarterly Report Jones
60Strength
75Speed
90Endurance
88Technique
2.6Molecular Density
87Existential Dread
10Fingers
10Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Energy Drink Eddie
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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