TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
12-09-25
APPROVED
Lawnmower Jesus
Strength74
Speed68
Endurance52
Technique106
Molecular Density92.4
Existential Dread77
Fingers11
Toes9
TALE OF THE TAPE
Lawnmower Jesus VS Double Cup Dwayne
Double Cup Dwayne
68Strength
72Speed
81Endurance
79Technique
82.7Molecular Density
43Existential Dread
8Fingers
9Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Lawnmower Jesus
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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