TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN
BLESSED
12-22-25
APPROVED
Cabbage Jenkins
Strength66
Speed71
Endurance86
Technique77
Molecular Density67.5
Existential Dread41
Fingers11
Toes7
TALE OF THE TAPE
Cabbage Jenkins VS Home Depot Manager
Home Depot Manager
64Strength
78Speed
99Endurance
59Technique
83.4Molecular Density
96Existential Dread
9Fingers
8Toes
🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR
Cabbage Jenkins
Violence concluded.
🔐 AUTHENTICATION REQUIRED
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