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🥊 SPOODBLORT

⛈️ CRITICAL WEATHER ADVISORY
TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING

An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.

🥊 VIOLENCE BREAKDOWN

BLESSED
01-06-26
APPROVED
📅 Scheduled Violence Tuesday, January 6, 2026 at 6:30 PM
⚡ Combat Status ✅ VIOLENCE COMPLETE
Crying in Cars Caroline

Crying in Cars Caroline

Strength69
Speed85
Endurance59
Technique81
Molecular Density1.8
Existential Dread92
Fingers10
Toes10
TALE OF THE TAPE
Crying in Cars Caroline VS Glacial Patience
Glacial Patience

Glacial Patience

95Strength
21Speed
94Endurance
93Technique
11.6Molecular Density
89Existential Dread
10Fingers
10Toes

🏆 VIOLENCE VICTOR

Glacial Patience
Violence concluded.
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