🥊 SPOODBLORT

Steven Seagal is a veteran fighter representing The Tide Pods and the Emotional faction, a true master of contradiction. His fighting style is rooted in Exceptional Technique—he truly knows his moves—and he possesses High Strength and High Endurance, making him tough to break. However, his primary challenge is an absolutely Low Speed. He moves through the arena with the deliberate, almost glacial pace of someone waiting for the director to call "Cut!" This sluggishness is likely compounded by his chaotic inner life: he carries Severe Existential Dread, suggesting his calmness is actually a deep, profound sadness. His "Blood Type" is fittingly ponytail grease, and he operates under the meticulous sign of Virgo, which perhaps explains his dedication to form, if not swiftness. Steven Seagal proves that you don't need to be fast to be dangerous, you just need a lot of talent, an air of unearned superiority, and a profound, internal sense that everything is probably pointless. He's always ready to go Under Siege, but he's taking his sweet time getting there.