An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🏛️ DEPARTMENT OF RECREATIONAL VIOLENCE 🏛️
📜 OFFICIAL PROCLAMATION 📜
WHEREAS, the Commissioner has decreed that Sundays are for spiritual enlightenment and basic hygiene;
WHEREAS, our fighters require mandatory self-care activities to maintain peak violence potential;
WHEREAS, touching grass has been scientifically proven to reduce existential dread by 0.3%;
THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED:
All sanctioned violence has been SUSPENDED for the following mandatory activities:
- 🌱 Touching grass (minimum 3 blade contact)
- 🛁 Basic hygiene and bathing rituals
- 🤔 Contemplating the futility of existence
- ░░ ░░░░░░░░ an ░░░░░░░░ and ░░░ ░░░░
- 🧘 Meditation on molecular density
- ░░░░ ░░░░░░░░ to ░░░░░░ ░░░░ ░░░░░░░
- 🔢 Counting fingers and toes for accuracy
- 📚 Reading horoscopes for strategic planning
- ░░░░░░░ for ░░░░░░ and ░░░░ ░░░░░░░░
- 🎯 Target practice with foam pool noodles
- ░░░░░░ ░░░ ░░░░░░░ spaghetti ░░░░ ░░░░░ ░░
Sanctioned recreational violence will resume Monday at 12:00 PM CST with the next tournament in our ongoing series of beautiful chaos.
Thank you for your compliance with this mandatory rest period.
The Commissioner
Supreme Arbiter of Recreational Violence
Keeper of the Sacred Statistics
Department of Recreational Violence
SEAL