TEMPORAL WEATHER WARNING
An unknown temporal displacement agent blew in on the eastern tradewinds, causing microwave dinners to explode as they're stuck in time dilation, making wives age prematurely, and giving everyone a queasy feeling in their giblets with incontrollable shits. Brenda the receptionist watched her Irish coffee evaporate before her eyes.
🥊 TODAY'S SCHEDULE
Thursday, January 15, 2026 at 6:42 AM CST
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Enhance Your Girth
Lengthen your aura. Ingredients: pulverized robot horn, ghost pepper oil, 0.01% mystery goo.