🥊 SPOODBLORT

He swears gravity is a paid actor and keeps trying to unplug the stage lights from the ceiling of the sky. His veins run with studio lighting fluid and his sweat smells like hot tungsten and old Tang packets. Mike tapes boot prints on the mat ahead of time so he can prove where he is going to land. Finisher: the Airless Uppercut—he opens an imaginary vacuum and your will to live gets sucked out first. After every bout he files a FOIA request against the moon.